A Bullet and a Wish
by Henta1Rampag3
Summary: One-Shot. Post-Synthesis ME3. Tali is devastated over the sacrifice of her love. She searches desperately for a way out of her sorrow... MShepardxTali rated M for very brief suggestive content and heavy themes


A Bullet and a Wish

By ChildofAlma

**Post-Synthesis ending.**

**Kade Shepard: Paragade. Sentinel. Earthborn and Sole Survivor. Synthesis ending with over 5000 war assets. United the Geth and Quarians, cured the Genophage, Everyone survived the suicide mission. Romanced Tali **

_He smirked; the grin that was so cute and sexy that she always remembered her pilgrimage every time he did it. _

_ "I bet you say that to every guy who gets you a homeworld."_

_ The reflection of the Rannoch sun shined in his brown eyes. She was grateful for her mask; she was grinning from ear to ear like a little girl underneath. _

_ "Only the cute ones," she said in return._

_ Now it was his turn to smile. _

The memories were too much to bear.

Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy sat on the edge of Shepard's -_Their_ bed in the cabin, streaks of sunlight leaving glimmering stripes on the tossed sheets from the shattered window on the ceiling. Maybe if they had crash-landed on an ugly world, she could have paid attention to the rain or the monsters or the howling winds. Instead, they had landed on a tropical paradise, with only beauty to remind her of Shepard.

"Kade…"

Tali whispered the name to herself; so quietly her mask didn't pick it up and project it to the world. She could almost hear him say her name in return.

"Tali…"

The memory was like a needle in her being; sharp, merciless, and cold. Tears began pushing at her sore and swollen eyes. Six days of this; six days of endless crying. There had been no contact with anyone since the Normandy had crashed.

The crew had been changed. Tali was able to stay awake longer, think faster, and even adapt her body to a new environment faster then ever before. They had become partially synthetic, and EDI had practically been brought to life. Tali glanced at her arm. She still wore her suit, but she knew the pale flesh beneath was lined with emerald-hued cybernetics. Physically, she felt better than ever before, but her heart and mind were in pieces.

The crew had come to accept Shepard was dead. By some miracle he had managed to board the citadel even after a direct hit from Harbinger, and then the crucible fired and everything was changed in ways no one could have ever imagined, but the mass relays and the citadel had been horrifyingly damaged. Before the crucible had fired, Admiral Hackett had lost contact with Shepard. They had to accept he had given himself for peace, for the future, and for a greater good.

Tali looked downwards, placing her hands on her visor. Shepard had cured the genophage, giving the Krogan a future as a race for the first time in centuries. He had defied the reapers, uniting her people and the Geth. He had brought every sentient being in the galaxy together to stand against the Reapers, and even after all they had done, had spared them and even united them with organics.

And he had loved her. Tali'Zorah Vas Normandy. A Quarian sealed in a suit for her entire life and he had chosen her. He could have had anyone in the galaxy and he had chosen her. Even after everything they had been through she still couldn't believe it. She could have never imagined that him saving her life from Fist's thugs had led to that night two years later, before the Collector base, in his cabin. Losing him the first time, two-and-a-half years ago had been devastating, and now she had lost him a second time, and there was no Cerberus to bring him back to her.

_He entered her for the first time. She inhaled sharply, still not used to the sound of her voice without her mask. As he slid into her she wrapped her legs around his waist, looking deep into his eyes. She could never have dreamed that she would one day share her body with Commander Shepard, but it was happening. Tears of happiness streamed down her face. _

_ He looked back into her. She could see herself reflected in his eyes, an expression of ecstasy on her face. He began to thrust into her slowly as he slipped one hand behind her head through her hair. He closed his eyes and kissed her. As his lips pressed into hers she closed her eyes as well, feeling him with her entire body. Her dream had come true._

The tears stung her swollen eyes once again. Tali tried to take deep, steady breaths, but couldn't stop her shoulders from heaving with every choked sob. The sting of her tears was nothing compared to the unbelieving, hollow aching in her heart. With anger and denial and every other emotion clawing at her soul she removed her mask and tossed it aside, where it landed at the foot of the bed with a clack. She didn't care about getting sick; she would willingly catch the plague if it would bring Shepard back.

Tali began to scream into her hands. She hated this. He was everything to her. They had all survived the war, against impossible odds, yet he had given it all. She had lost him once, then her father, and then lost Shepard again.

_"Don't leave me behind!" she pleaded. _

_ "Don't argue with me Tali!" he said. Despite how much she wanted to scream at him, she listened._

_ "I need you to make it out of here alive Tali" he said walking forward. As the sounds of battle raged on around them, he was as calm as she had even seen him._

_ "Get back to Rannoch."_

_ He touched her mask as he would her cheek. She could feel tears._

_ "Build yourself a home."_

_ "I have a home," she pleaded. He began to step away, never taking his eyes off of her. In the distance, Harbinger loomed like a god of war, its six eyes glowering with a ravenous hunger for death. _

_ "Come back to me," she begged. She reached her hand out as he went to rejoin the fight. He looked back one last time, his face was calm, but his eyes told their entire story._

_ "Go!" he shouted, before running fearlessly towards the beam._

_ She could feel the blood running under her suit from a dozen throbbing wounds, but the pain was meaningless compared to watching Shepard run towards certain death. She wanted desperately to push Garrus' arms off of her and run after him, but something kept her in place. There was a blast of light as Harbinger's laser sliced through the ground, and she screamed his name._

Tali couldn't live without Shepard. There was no point. The Normandy was almost ready to leave and attempt to get back to society, but where would they go without Relays? She couldn't even get to Rannoch to fulfill Shepard's final wish for her. She looked towards the ceiling, covering her eyes and moaning in misery. She could barely breathe through her tears.

"I miss you," she managed to whisper before choking on a sob, "Kade…"

_Garrus held Shepard's nameplate in his hands like a sacred artifact. The Normandy crew was gathered around the memorial board on the crew deck. Tears ran down Liara's face, though she stood steadfast. James and Javik stood tall, their green eyes hard with respect. Tali was numb from crying 20 minutes before. She hung her head in sorrow._

_ Garrus nudged her gently and she looked up at the tall Turian._

_ His eyes glistened with green cybernetics, but they were the same eyes that had witnessed Shepard running into the beam as she had. He clicked his mandibles and held the nameplate out for Tali to grasp. _

_ "He would have wanted you to do it," he said. His voice was level but sincere. It was something only Tali noticed, as she and Garrus had a certain understanding of each other. They had both been with Shepard through the thickest and thinnest, and to the bitter end at the beam. _

_ Tali tentatively took the nameplate as Garrus nodded in approval. She hesitated. It was as if placing his name on the wall was the final declaration that he was never coming back. Her steps were heavy as she walked forward, forcing herself to keep her head held high. Shepard would have wanted her to stand tall and proud, no matter what. She carefully pressed his name onto the wall, running her fingers over it to make sure it would never fall. She walked back and silently took her place among her comrades. Traynor was weeping softly. She stood and finally hung her head. She could feel the tears returning, welling up behind her eyes like a flash flood. Even Garrus looked down out of respect. _

_ Tali heard a soft metal click as EDI moved behind her. She looked up and EDI looked back through her aqua-hued optical display. Her face was a mask of genuine sorrow; a tangible monument to Shepard's sacrifice. _

_ Tali could not hold back her tears any longer. They began to flow down her face behind her mask as she collapsed into EDI's arms. Tali wasn't sure if the AI could cry now, but her reflective features were twisted in sorrow. She managed to give Tali a brief comforting smile. _

_ Tali was grateful for her support, but she couldn't have returned the smile if she had tried. Her vision was clouded with tears. As much as she willed her lips smile, they did not move. _

Tali was at the brink. She couldn't take it anymore; the longing, the suffering, the regret. She forced back as many of her tears as she could, holding them at bay with desperate sniffles. She reached behind her on the bed to her shotgun.

With one movement she brought the weapon into her view.

It was an M-23 Katana shotgun by Ariake Technologies, a human weapon. It was barely recognizable as such; as it was smeared with the dirt of so many worlds Tali had lost count long ago. She had found it on her pilgrimage in the cold hands of a dead Blue Suns Mercenary. Since then she had taken it everywhere. It had taken countless lives, been modified and repaired one hundred times over, and it was her friend, as Garrus loved his Mantis Sniper Rifle.

For a long time she sat motionless, staring down at her shotgun. Her shoulders heaved lightly as she continued to cry, her tears dripping onto her shotgun's side. She pondered where Shepard was now.

What if Ashley had been right and Shepard was watching her right now from human heaven?

Tali wiped away her tears with the back of her glove. She tilted her shotgun and checked the thermal clip. It was nearly fried. One shot left. She almost laughed at the irony. Instead she bit the inside of her cheek until she tasted blood.

Slowly, she tilted her shotgun until it faced the ceiling and braced it between her thighs. Tali closed her burning eyes, stifling her sobs as best she could. Her stomach churned at the thought of what she was about to do, her heart began to beat harder and faster. She placed her mouth a few inches above the barrel of her shotgun.

_Ancestors forgive me, _she thought.

Her hands were shaking violently, jostling her shotgun around. She struggled to control her body but she couldn't stop shaking. Her breathing came harder as her heart rate climbed. She could feel it in her head as it hammered against the inside of her chest. As she slipped her finger around the trigger, she thought of Shepard.

_I will see you again, _she thought, _Keelah Se'lai…_

Her hands tightened around her shotgun. Her finger eased on the trigger. She inhaled sharply, parting her lips to the barrel of her shotgun. Behind her closed eyes, she saw Shepard waiting for her.

"TALI!" a voice called from the other side of the room.

Tali's entire body froze. Her mouth hung open. Her eyes stayed shut. Her finger could feel the trigger.

"Tali," the voice said firmly, "Don't you _dare_ pull that trigger."

A cold fist gripped Tali's heart. Her swollen eyes squeezed open, and her head slowly tilted upwards.

The door open behind him, walking down the steps towards the bed with icy fire in his eyes, was Garrus Vakarian.

Tali couldn't move. Her body seemed to go cold. Garrus' steps were heavy as he briskly walked to the foot of the bed. With constrained anger, he swiped Tali's shotgun from her hands. It hurt her fingers as her weapon was ripped from her fingers, but it felt far off and distant, as if they were someone else's fingers. Garrus quickly popped the thermal clip from the weapon and let it drop to the floor with a loud clang.

"Tali," he said again. He was breathing heavily. His voice dripped with venom and desperation.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?"

Tali snapped back to reality. What the hell _was_ she doing? Her arms dropped to her sides. Her chin fell to her chest. Her legs quivered.

Garrus stood for a moment. His mandibles clicked loudly. The cybernetics within his body glowed a bright green with a violent intensity. He finally let out a sigh. It sounded as if he hadn't slept in a century.

More smoothly than before, he sat down on Tali's left, the bed creaking softly as it adjusted to his weight. There was a silence for a few moments as both of them attempted to adjust to what had just happened. Garrus folded his hands in his lap and looked down at the floor, his mandibles occasionally clicking as he thought. Tali attempted to reach out for thoughts. She had just tried to kill herself. She never thought her life would come to that. Of course, her life had had Shepard in it.

It felt so right yet so gut-wrenchingly wrong. She missed Shepard. She didn't want to live without his touch. She had also almost abandoned Garrus, EDI, Liara, and all the other friends that had supported her through everything; abandoned their company for the void.

"How…" she started. Her voice was hoarse from crying. She sniffed before continuing, "How did you-"

"Catch you?" Garrus finished. He sighed again, looking straight ahead, "I heard you screaming. Almost thought you saw a Reaper." The remark was colder than usual.

Tali didn't respond. There was silence again for a moment.

She choked back a sob. The next one got through. She attempted to fight, whimpering in a futile effort to hold back the flood of tears. It wasn't long before she was crying again, her entire body shaking as she sobbed.

Garrus moved subtly. He edged closer to Tali until she was leaned up against his side. He moved his right arm around Tali's small shoulders, gazing at the wall. Tali crumpled into Garrus' embrace, burying her head in the crook of his neck. Garrus wrapped his other arm around her back, gently caressing her with the tips of his talons. He continued to look straight ahead, like a watchful eagle. Tali was his friend, and the woman his best friend had loved. If anything intended to hurt her, it would fail.

"Dammit," Tali whimpered into Garrus' neck, "Dammit I'm such… a bosh'tet."

In light of the situation, Garrus managed a weak smile, "Now I don't think Shepard would have agreed to that, and neither do I."

Tali cried harder as she heard Garrus speak Shepard's name. She imagined what Shepard would do if she were in his arms.

_Tali look at me _he would have said; _it's going to be okay._

She remembered how he had comforted her when they had found her father's body on the Alarei. She gripped Garrus' armor as if the cold metal was her beloved Shepard.

"I…" she attempted to explain herself to Garrus. "I miss him," she finally managed, "I miss him… so much."

Garrus waited before replying.

"I do to, Tali" he said softly, his talons continuing to stroke her back comfortingly, "We all do, but he would never have wanted you to do this."

Tali slowly lifted her head out of Garrus' neck. He relaxed his embrace as she withdrew, keeping his right hand on her shoulder. Once Tali had sat back on the bed, he removed his hand, once again resting them in his lap.

"I know…" Tali whispered. She sniffed back tears.

Garrus gently lifted her chin to meet his cybernetic eyes, then placed his hand on his knee.

"Look at this," he said, gesturing to the cybernetic currents running through his facial scar. Tali nodded weakly.

"He gave himself for this," Garrus continued, "He gave himself so we could live. He made the ultimate sacrifice…"

Garrus paused, looking Tali deeply in the eyes, "…For you."

Tali could feel more tears, but she fought them off.

"He wanted you to be happy."

Garrus stood, walking over to Tali's mask where it lay on the floor. He picked it up slowly, gently brushing it off with his hands.

"He wanted you to live in peace, so you could be safe and have a home on Rannoch."

"I can never see Rannoch again," Tali protested.

"You don't _know_ that," Garrus interrupted.

There was more silence. Garrus looked at the floor, an inscrutable expression on his face.

"I'm sorry Tali," Garrus said deeply, "I'm sorry for everything." He held out her mask. Tali hesitated. She gingerly reached a hand out and grasped it, laying it in her lap. Garrus remained standing.

"We care about you," he said sincerely. He expression was hard but sorrowful, "And wherever Shepard is I'm damn sure he cares about you too. All he ever wanted was for you to be happy. That's what kept him going through this whole war; you know that, right?"

Tali looked up at Garrus. Tears streamed from her eyes, but her breathing was slow and controlled. She imagined Shepard telling Garrus what she had heard and she felt almost like she had when he had first told her he wanted her.

She nodded. "Yes."

"Then use this future he gave you," Garrus said. His tone was calm as he sat back down on Tali's left, "He did this for you. We're all benefitting from it, but I know he did it for you."

"How do you know?" Tali asked.

Garrus chuckled.

"Well," he said, "He always knew I was the better shot. If this were about me I think he would have left me to the Reapers; less competition for him if Harbinger had sent me to hell."

In spite of herself, Tali managed her first weak smile in days.

"It's a start," Garrus laughed. He composed himself before he spoke again.

"Tali," he cleared his throat, "The best you can do is be happy now. There's so much potential; who knows what could happen now? It would be a shame to miss it all."

Tali looked straight ahead. She noticed that one of Shepard's model ships, an Alliance Kodiak shuttle, had remained in place during and after the crash. When all the other ships had been dislodged and fallen, one had managed to hold on through the chaos. She carefully got up from the bed, placing her mask back over her face as she stood. Slowly, she began to walk towards the model. She gingerly removed it from its display and held it in her hands.

She turned to look at Garrus. He sat on the bed, watching her with a relaxed gaze. His mandibles were still, his eyes calm.

Tali glanced at the model. It was scarred, and its windshield was dented, but it had still held on through everything.

"Garrus," she said, tentatively. There weren't many words for what he had done in saving her from herself. "Thank you."

She imagined Shepard sitting on the bed next to Garrus, smiling. Her heart longed to leap into his arms, but instead she smiled behind her mask. It was all she could do.

_The reaper was approaching. Shepard stood unyielding and defiant, one soldier against one reaper, man against machine. _

_"…If we don't make it," Tali said._

_ "You worry too much," he replied._

"_I love you."_

_ His voice was calm; over the connection she could make out the sounds of the reaper's thunderous steps_

_ "Keelah Se'lai." _


End file.
